Everything you ever wanted to know about the Andamans…and more.

Q. Why would I ever want to go to the Andaman Islands?

A. For your benefit, I have compiled the following list of reasons you could give your boss to get time off.

i) A vacation will re-energize you to work better in the coming weeks.

ii) You have been to Vegas too many times and feel the need to reconnect with nature instead.

iii) You would like to spend more time with your kids.

Of course, the real reasons would probably be…

i) That guy at the bar (whom you really should not have been talking to) told you about the proposal your company will be pitching and you want to take off before your boss recruits you for the project.

ii) You gambled away all your money in Vegas.

iii) The kids are driving you crazy.

Q. Yes, so you know about the gambling. How will I possibly get the money?

A. You could give up alcohol for a few months, decide to not celebrate Christmas, withdraw from your retirement fund, talk yourself into believing that your kids won’t really need a college education, marry the now-rich slumdog from the famous movie…or you could simply not gamble.

Another option is to find a historical figure’s belongings, and try to auction them off. Be sure to attract enough media attention first, so that the items go for 90 times their starting price.

Q. All right. Let’s say I find the money. Where the heck are these islands anyway?

A. Gosh you’re lazy.

Let’s move on to a more interesting question.

Q. Why the Andamans? Why not the Caribbean or Hawaii or the Mediterranean?

A. The Andamans have a fascinating history. A long time ago, before you or your great-great-grandfather were born, the people of England decided that they were tired of their dull, tasteless beans and meat, and went looking for better ingredients for their cuisines. They found India, and liked it so much (everything was so cheap!) that they decided to stay. Meanwhile, their colonies in America collapsed, so they tightened their hold in India. One morning, Indians woke up and realized they didn’t like the way the British were treating them and their country. The year was 1857.

A long war and many dead bodies later, the British decided to build a prison for the leaders of that revolution. They chose the Andamans. (I suppose Australia was too far away). The Cellular Jail was completed in 10 years and was the most terrifying place ever. During WWII, the Japanese invaded these islands (probably because things were still really cheap). They’re all gone now, so you don’t need to bring security with you. Many of the surviving tribes on the island are of negroid and mongaloid descent. That covers about…let’s see…100% of the world’s represented races.

Besides, are you trying to hide from your boss or not?

Q. What would I do there?

A. We, not I. Take the family. Or go with friends. Stop being so self-centered.

Q. Fine. What would we do there?

A. The Andamans are like Austin’s 6^th street for islands. During your stay, you can indulge in island-hopping, sun-bathing, snorkeling, hiking, beach-gazing, shopping, sight-seeing, photography, etc. Or you could just sit in your hotel room and watch TV.

Q. Island hopping?

A. Island hopping=ferry rides, genius. A ferry ride can be 1-4 hours long, depending on where you are going. I would recommend enjoying the cool wind and sunshine from the deck rather than sitting in the sultry swinging-fan infested interior. One of the most visited islands is Havelock, where the famous Radhanagar beach is. Supposedly, it is the second cleanest beach in Asia. It is so clean that you won’t even find sea-shells there. Another island called Jolly Buoy is famous for its corals and underwater life.

Q. What’s snorkeling?

A. Snorkeling is like scuba diving for dummies. All you have to do is wear a mask and breathe through a tube to enjoy a view of the underwater life while floating on the surface.

Q. Er…I’m not the best swimmer.

A. If you have two left feet (made of lead) when it comes to swimming, there are guides who will put you in a rubber ring and gently drag you over the most interesting parts. If that is still too adventurous for you, you can take a trip in a glass-bottomed boat and get a green-tinted view of the corals and fish.

Q. Are there any museums I can tour?

A. Port Blair has its share of museums which give visitors a sense of the past and present, the sea life, and the fact that you cannot trap nature in a concrete cube. The aquarium is terrible. Don’t go there, unless you are excessively fond of looking at eel corpses in watery-formalin-enclosed glass graves. The anthropological museum can be interesting, with its straw huts and tribal artifacts, but besides getting lost and eavesdropping on accounts of other tourists’ wild nights, there is not much to do. The Cellular Jail is the one place you should definitely visit though – you can tour the jail, lock yourself in one of the cells, look at the gallows, and get a view of the whole city from the roof. The naval museum has several large boards with dense text which relate the history of the Andamans – but you already know that now. I would recommend leaving all that to Google and the Discovery channel and going hiking.

Q. What if I my mother is with me and she refuses to go hiking?

A. Stay in your hotel room and watch TV.

Q. How will I get around the place?

A. If you get a travel-package, you will probably be taken everywhere in a rickety bus. You can also get around in auto-rickshaws. There are bicycles and motorbikes for hire. I should mention that the roads are wide enough for only one vehicle, but are still two-way streets.

Q. Okay…what about the food?

A. The food’s delicious (depending on your luck and the chef’s mood). The food served at resorts such as Silversands on Havelock island is a mixture of North Indian and South Indian dishes, and is really good. The Idlis at a restaurant called Annapurna in Port Blair are better than any other. Be careful though; if they see that you’re eating too much, the restaurant officials will pretend that they have run out of Idlis.

For information on seafood, kindly consult people who take unfair advantage of being at the top of the food chain.

Q. Is there anything else I should know?

A. The best time to visit is between December and May (yes, the tsunami hit during that time a few years ago, but hope for the best). Most visitors keep their clothes on even at the beaches. Shop only at government stores and keep your receipts. The museums are closed on Mondays. There’s a Light-and-Sound Show at the Cellular Jail most evenings which is worth going to. There is also a bad-tempered guard over there who will yell at you if you try to take photographs.

Enjoy your stay.

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