Horn! Ok! Use Dipper at Night - Driving In India | Nazar

Horn! Ok! Use Dipper at Night - Driving In India

By Nimisha Mittal 5 March 2009 859 views 19 Comments

One of the two things most people learn to complain about at a very young age is how ridiculously incompetent every other driver on the road is. The second is how bad the roads are. I have seen the most soft-spoken person in the world resort to using the most colorful swear words while driving in Austin. Many claim that the road map in Austin was hatched over a game of poker between graduates from the University of Texas and Texas A&M, which the UT alumni lost. As a result, the roads diverge and converge at will, flyovers and highways appear out of nowhere, and the road signs are merely reminders that one’s drivers ed class was about as useful as a wind chime.

People complain too much. I have the authority to make such a statement because I have had the opportunity to drive on two continents on opposite sides of the globe, and gain immense knowledge and experience. Today, I shall share that knowledge.

If you have already gone skydiving, rocky-mountain climbing, spent 3.7 seconds on a bull named Fu-Man-Chu, and are looking for another adventurous activity, driving in India would definitely qualify. Within the next few minutes, you will learn how to drive in India in 10 easy steps.

Step 1. Make sure you know how to turn the key in the ignition. Or, if your car is one of those fancy ones which has a ’start’ button, make sure you know how to press it.

Step 2. Move forward. Any direction/speed is fine as long as you don’t run over anybody.

Step 3. Use your honk as much as possible. Contrary to popular belief, honking at pedestrians is not rude; it is a polite indication that you are behind them, and are trying your level best not to run them over.

Step 4. Don’t believe the people who tell you that you should drive on the left side of the street. If you stay left, you’ll reach your destination five hours late, and annoy all the cyclists and pedestrians along the way. Always drive in the middle of the street, unless you need to swerve left to avoid a head on collision.

Step 5. Follow the law of semiconductors. In a traffic jam, whenever an empty space is created ahead (a hole), even if it is 4 lanes away, move towards it and fill it up.

Step 6. You will be forced to share the road. There will be no friendly road signs reminding you to do that. Swallow your ego, and learn to rub bumpers with buses, trucks, rickshaws, bullock carts, dogs, cows, horses, and marriage processions.

Step 7. All roads are two-way streets (even those that have one-way signs posted everywhere). If you find another car approaching you in the wrong direction, be a darling, and move off the road to let it pass.

Step 8. There is no such thing as personal space on the roads or in parking lots. Maintain a maximum distance of one millimeter from the car in front of you, otherwise, another car will utilize Step 5 and you’ll be left behind. Forever.

Step 9. Pay no attention to the traffic lights. They merely add color to the surroundings.

Step 10. Get one of those flashing red lights and attach it to the roof of your car. Cars with flashing red lights and sirens are the vehicles of God that mortals often whisper about.

My recommendation is that every driver in Austin be sentenced to drive for a week in India. Once every driver has had an opportunity to do so, Austin will be a much happier place. The use of swear words will decrease, the government will no longer need to put up any more ‘share the road’ signs, gas consumption will go down (since people won’t stop needlessly at red lights in the middle of the night when nobody is around), and the US will not need to import Japanese cars with built in robots that monitor the human driver’s tiredness levels to prevent accidents (because drivers will be too terrified to fall asleep at the wheel).

This will, in all likelihood, also lead to world peace.

Photo Courtesy: calamur