India, This Past Fortnight

By Niyantha Shekar 19 February 2009 417 views 13 Comments

The latest national pastime in India seems to be attacking film producers over the names that they choose for their movies. Following the protests against Slumdog Millionaire (the name was thought to insult slum dwellers), the Hairdresser’s Association of Mumbai came out against Billu Barber, a movie where Shah Rukh Khan makes a cameo appearance. In order to appease the huge volume of barbers who form Shah Rukh’s fan base, the title had to be changed in the last minute to ‘Billu’. My guess is that the alliance of barbers felt offended that the name Billu was associated with their profession.

Well, if you’re named Billu, I guess you are used to disappointments.

February 14^th was Valentine’s Day. It was the usual routine for me – wake up, look at the date, cringe, lie in a fetal position for a while, and then look online to see what the stars of Bollywood are saying about their ‘non-existent’ love life. While Celina Jaitley sounded desperate for some loving (“I am in love with the idea of being in love more than falling in love”¹), Asin, of Ghajini fame, commented that her father was the only man in her life. It pains me to see beauty struggle.

Asin, call me.

Recently, a senior Congress leader called Abhishek Manu Singhvi, said that George Bush should be given a Bharat Ratna, India’s highest civilian honor, for ending nuclear isolation with India².

Someone should throw a shoe at Singhvi.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is planning to come out with a brand new drink called ‘Gau Jal’³. The primary ingredient of this drink is cow urine. The RSS believe that this drink will give good competition to Pepsi and Coco Cola (even though the latter drinks apparently have a secondary use as toilet disinfectants⁴). I hear that there are going to be efforts made by the RSS to slowly enter other markets as well. There are plans to make pee-nut butter and they are also coming up with a new chain of restaurants, temporarily titled ‘Piss-a Hut’.

Oops, I should not have ‘leaked’ that information to the press.

I was looking up the Indian Supreme Court’s definition of idiot the other day (no, it was not self-doubt that led to that search) and I came upon an article⁵ that enlightened me on that topic. The article said, “To be legally accepted as an ‘idiot’, one has to be so dumb as to be unable to count till 20, list the days of the week, or fail to remember the names of one’s parents”.

The next time you are accused of murder and the judge asks you to count till 20, remember to stop at 19.

To read more ‘India, This Past Fortnight’, click here.

Footnotes:

¹ http://movies.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-4111939,flstry-1.cms

² http://news.oneindia.in/2009/02/13/bush-deserves-a-bharat-ratna-singhvi.html

³ http://news.oneindia.in/2009/02/13/rss-to-launch-cow-urine-soft-drink-gau-jal.html

⁴ http://stoney.sulekha.com/blog/post/2008/09/a-homemaker-s-best-friends/comments.htm

⁵ http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/3426579.cms

Photo Courtesy: BilluBarber.com, Darwin Bell, BL1961, mckaysavage

13 Comments »

anand said:

Man, this is funny! : ]

Es-piss-ially this part, haha…

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 1:26 am

UknowME! said:

I am strongly offended by the use of India in the title of this article…India is a land of intellectuals (and some fools like yourself)…by associating India with this article you are projecting the wrong impression to the world and making a mockery of the system. I am gonna have to press charges against you if the word India is not removed from the title.

also…i hope u understand the difference between an idiot and a mentally retarded person…idiots do go to jail!

just so that u know, both the lords (Ram & Shiv) and their senas are on my side and will protest alongside me if my conditions arent met!

Consider this an ultimatum!

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 1:50 am

Niyantha (author) said:

@uknowme,

Idiots actually don’t go to jail. If you follow the link from footnote 5, you will see this: “Under Section 84 of the Indian Penal Code, a person is not liable to be prosecuted if they are of unsound mind, or incapable of comprehending the nature of the criminal act and the fact that it is against the law.”

—————————————————–

“just so that u know, both the lords (Ram & Shiv) and their senas are on my side and will protest alongside me if my conditions arent met!”

I guess I’ll have to send another pink chaddi then.

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 2:00 am

UdontknowMe said:

Hi

This is a very nice way of presenting the silly things that goes on in India which is a land of contradictions which is what makes it interesting. Continuing doing so no matter who threatens you - give them flower bouquets instead. Had a good laugh.

Keep posting…

[Reply]

UknowME! Reply:
February 19th, 2009 at 2:40 am

HEY! U NEED TO GET A LIFE….BE ORGINAL…STOP COPYIN!

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 2:26 am

Amas said:

This week’s column is funnier than last week’s. Looking forward to reading more of yours in the coming issues.

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 11:17 am

Madhuri said:

Smart fellow. Looking forward to the next one.

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 3:03 pm

Girish said:

Well done Niyantha! This was awesome

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 3:30 pm

Nino said:

Haha love the bush part niyantha! Succint and clever last line. Props. Keep it up!

[Reply]

# 19 February 2009 at 5:07 pm

Adi Sarkar said:

You might as well call it ‘The Fortnight That Wasn’t’.

[Reply]

# 20 February 2009 at 9:42 am

Nimisha said:

Superb!! You’re a genius.
I forsee a regular newspaper-like column with a profile picture of a very serious version of you in the center. And/or a compilation of these 20 years from now, with a bonus edition of some of the most …ahem…classic reader comments.

[Reply]

# 24 February 2009 at 7:39 pm

Niyantha (author) said:

@anand, UdontknowMe, amas, Madhuri, Girish, Nino,

Thanks much

@Adi Sarkar,

nah, I like the current title better

@Nimisha,

You’re too kind. Lemme know when you come to Austin next, we should so collaborate on an article (maybe google docs could bridge the geographical barrier?)

And thanks for the newspaper column compliment, it’s just what my over-sized ego needed

[Reply]